Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
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I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
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Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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