just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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