i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
