my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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