I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
two words...techno handjob
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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