he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
