I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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