I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
