wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
