Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
