I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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