Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
