All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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