i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
