I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
