I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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