theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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