You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
