I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
