Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
