I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
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Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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