I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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