I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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