remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My underwear smells like fireworks.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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