my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
