got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
