I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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