Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
