my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
