please come you make the beer taste better
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
