she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Panties = found
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
