i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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