FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Someone signed my nipple.
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