So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
