My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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