I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I need moral support for this bender
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
