I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize
