and next time when you feel me up, do it right
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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