Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
