Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
