I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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