vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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