I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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