Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
