I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
