it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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