I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
