If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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