I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
