But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
