I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
