dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
