I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
