perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
