I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The best revenge is premature balding
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
