Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
