sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
