I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
