Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
