you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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