Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
