Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
